We need some new Super Bowl commercials
Perhaps you have heard, Budweiser, Coke and Pepsi won’t be airing Super Bowl ads for the first time since Americans figured out how to add carbs to water. They are doing this to focus their advertising dollars on “vaccine awareness” which feels like code for “tax-deductible COVID cost reduction”. Regardless of the reason, however, it means there is a sudden opening for some new commercial powerhouses to take the stage. I am going to recommend we introduce some new players in the game, and I am going to offer a quick preview of what their Super Bowl commercial will look like.
It’s time for a new player in the beer game. With so many micro-breweries popping up, it’s time for a new macro-brewery. For far too long, Budweiser and Coors have held the title of unchallenged, swill-beering macro-breweries. It’s time for an all new low-quality giant to take on the big guys, and what better way than with a gigantic super bowl commercial. Imagine this. The commercial opens with with a black and white bar as a handful of lowly drunken patrons sullenly drink their label-blocked Bad and Coarse imitation beverages in quiet, boring unison while a juke box plays a sullen minor key version of Photograph by Nickleback. Suddenly, the door smashes open and a full color Duffman charges into the room swinging a sledge hammer. He races toward the juke box and throws the hammer through the machine. Suddenly the song switches to Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses and everybody is suddenly at a beach party with bikini clad women and everyone is drinking Duff. OHHHHH YEAH.
If you are not familiar with Brawndo, it is from an older documentary about what is now modern American life. Brawndo is a combination of Gatorade and Red Bull that has become the primary liquid supplement for a variety of organisms on earth, including crops. The energy drink game is highly competitive, but I think that, maybe, something that has been overlooked is that there is not a “macho” enough option on the market. I am imagining Terry Crews starring in a commercial that begins with a deleted scene from the upcoming Fast and Furious 10: Decennial Man. Terry takes off from Earth in a rocket powered monster truck (fueled by Brawndo) that flies VERY rapidly to the moon. Once on the moon he starts doing jumps off of old lunar lander equipment and alien spaceships, simultaneously laser blasting various aliens such as the alien from Alien, Independence Day, Predator, Mars Attacks and an especially gruesome killing of Marvin the Martian. As he’s driving around, the Brawndo pours out of the back, terraforming the moon all around him, turning it into a jungle. Then, Terry screams the tag line: BRAWNDO. IT’S WHAT PLANETS CRAVE. Ignore the fact they are on the moon.
Sex Panther: By Odeon
A new name in the scented cologne game, Sex Panther seeks to help men with their greatest challenge: being more sexy. Originally a limited foreign product, it has cleared FDA regulations after a trial period in San Diego. In it’s big screen debut, imagine an older Paul Rudd, deliberately looking frumpy, disheveled and balding a bit walking into a Wal-Mart. After getting giggled at by some young women and getting a knowing glance from a similarly disheveled Jason Bateman, he heads into the cologne aisle. After glancing at some less interesting options: Sport Guy, Leatherback Turtle and Flesh Scented Liquid, he grabs the tester and spritzes himself. Within a second he transforms into a beautiful Panther, but in an upright, Jellicle from Cats, sort of way. He walks back over the women who are now suddenly interested in Jason Bateman. He instantly mauls Bateman to death. The women crowd around, suddenly interested in him. He turns to the camera and says. Sex Panther Too: 95 percent of the time, it works every time.
In a business environment that is becoming increasingly concerned by the rapid increase of the minimum wage, there is a sudden need for a new, lower-cost workforce. Employers who have grown weary of having to provide basic assistance to employees like a health plan or sick time, and need an option that doesn’t get sick and shows up rain or shine. In steps Tyrell Corporation. The first of its kind AI human replicants provide businesses with the work they want done without any of the hassle of complaints about their sexual advances. The commercial opens with a small town hardware store. The old man who owns the store is talking with a customer who just walks in. The customer sparks up the subtle conversation “I thought you were getting too old for this Bill” “Yes, I am. I hired a couple young kids to run the store, but they have called in twice this week. I can’t keep the store going like this. One has already threatened to quit if I don’t pay for his healthcare for his new son. He’s already getting 80 bucks a day. I can’t afford that.” “Have you heard of the new A13 Tyrell Corp. Humanapod?” “No, what’s that?” “It’s a cashierbot who can cash out dozens of customers a day. It’s a one time cost, that pays for itself.” Wow, that could save my business!” The disclaimer suddenly appears on the bottom in lettering so small Bill could never read it: Warning, Tyrell is not responsible for the loss of property, life, limb or diginity from any resulting uprising. All uprisings that result from harsh working conditions or repeated misuse are the responsibility of the owner and nor of Tyrell Corp. Software errors and possible childbirths should be reported to Tyrell Corp immediately to be investigated by other possible replicants that resemble Harrison Ford or Ryan Gosling.
Stay Puft Marshmallows
A new name in the Marshmallow game, Stay Puft has that marshmallow flavor you couldn’t conjure up with the wildest incantation. Long the domain of stalwarts Kraft and Rice Crispy Treats, the marshmallow game has a new player, and that player is here to do work. The commercial opens with a mom and three very beautiful multi-ethnic kids on a play date. The mom asks the kids what they want to make, and they scream in unison, “RICE CRISP TEMPTATIONS”. Mom opens up a box of generic Rice Crisp Cereal and a bag of “Underpuft” marshmallows. Suddenly, the side of the house explodes and a gigantic Stay Puft man flies into their kitchen. The kids gasp and squeal: “Stay Puft Man!” Stay Puft man silently (and maybe even a little menacingly) throws a gigantic bag of gigantic marshmallows at them. Suddenly everyone becomes gigantic, including the kitchen appliances. There is a gigantic explosion and enormous rice crisp temptations fill the room. The children frolic with delight, consuming the temptations.
The airline industry has been hit hard this year thanks to COVID. Money is tight, and government bailouts might not be enough to get by. Sometimes, though, you have to spend money to make money. The commercial opens with a the CEO of Oceanic Airlines, Damon Lindelost, speaking to America. “This has been a hard year for America, and a hard year for Oceanic. The Covid Pandemic has changed the way a lot of Americans travel, and we at Oceanic understand that. We are changing too. We have increased cabin space and doubled down on cleaning checks between flights. We have improved the quality of in flight food and rescue parties. Overall, we see that you need more from us, America, and we want to provide it.” Now we move to some attractive female flight attendants (and one ambiguously handsome male one). “Oceanic knows you want more from your travel experiences. We are committed to service with a smile. We have a commitment to treat every race, religion and gender with dignity and kindness. We know times are tough, but we are here for you.” Finally back to Lindelost, “And please remember, that TV documentary was not about our actual airline, it was a metaphor for purgatory and dealing with the sins you committed in your life and reckoning with them. It was not about our actual company, I think”
Bubba Gump Shrimp Company
The restaurant industry is hurting too, however the takeout market is booming. Now is the time to push for shrimp to be the new Chicken Wing. The commercial opens with former college football star and modern day runner Forrest Gump running with a take out box of shrimp in his hands. Forest begins his slow, monotone drawl, “Bubba Gump shrimps is the box you need delivered.” He reaches over and grabs a slightly injured Kobe Bryant from a flaming helicopter to save his life, mumbling “He was very good at basketball”. “Bubba Gump Shrimp is the fuel you need to do the impossible.” Forrest dances alongside Donald Trump at one of his rallies to Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen. “Bubba Gump is a company committed to environmental sustainability.” Forrest Gump is suddenly beside Greta Thunburg as she sits outside her school protesting. “Bubba Gump wants to deliver the freshness you deserve”. Gump closes the commercial in the studio with Drake while he records Hotline Bling.