The free agency frenzy is now fully underway, yet some of the biggest stories are still lingering out there. I will take a look at what has happened, what we are waiting for, and the usual other things that are unrelated in this week’s mystery box.
Listicle of the week: Biggest moves/stories in Free Agency week so far.
POS Deshaun Watson choosing his team
It looks like it is going to be the Atlanta Falcons, but officially he is still deciding between New Orleans and Atlanta. The good news here is that both of these cities have the unsafe nightlife he craves and, presumably, football teams. Once this domino falls, a string of others will too.
Davante Adams to Las Vegas
The Raiders added superstar Davante Adams to play with his old teammate Derek Carr, who he wanted to play with. The Green Bay return is reasonable given the situation, but this is all about adding Adams to a now nuclear pile of weapons and super teams in the AFC West. Aaron Rodgers would be spinning in his grave if he cared about anything but money at this point.
Von Miller to Buffalo
In a shocker, Von chose to sign with Buffalo on what is really a three year deal worth almost 60 million. This is a huge deal for a player with a recent injury history and clearly in decline. The Bills are hoping that he is the final piece to put them over the top. I worry he won’t be the same player without Aaron Donald accounting for 3 blockers each snap1.
The Browns set fire to their franchise… again
For reasons I will never understand, the Browns decided to try and get into the Deshaun Watson sweepstakes, despite there not really being any reason why he would pick them. This caused a massive fallout with Baker Mayfield, who thinks he is a good enough QB to make demands2. He’s demanding a trade, they are demanding he stay. Hostage crises make for the best QB situations, I think. Poor Amari Cooper is like the old guy who walks into the Perkins and realizes it was closed for a health code violation. AGAIN.
The Jaguars break the bank… again
After spending pretty heavily with no results last offseason, they are trying again this offseason. I can honestly say none of the new players came there on “hometown discount”, or even a “regular/intelligent salary”. They over spent on pretty much everyone. BUT. Trevor Lawrence has 4 more years under contract. They have 4 years to convince him not to go LITERALLY anywhere else, and you can taste their desperation.
Randy Gregory dumps the Cowboys at the alter
Randy, who has a history of substance abuse issues, chose to pass on the Cowboys offer he initially agreed to, when the Broncos matched that offer, BUT added language that protects Gregory’s guarantees better in the event of drug issue. Ultimately, this seems important since his is moving to a state with legal weed now.
The AFC West is the Amityville Horror House now
The Chargers took BIG steps to fix their defense with JC Jackson, Khalil Mack, and a triumvirate of new defensive tackles. The Broncos added an NFL grade QB3 in Russell Wilson. The Raiders added the aforementioned Davante Adams. The Chiefs… well they still have Patrick Mahomes. One (or even two) of these team's’ leadership will be in big trouble when the super team they assembled goes nowhere, despite the likelihood that same team would be in the Super Bowl for the NFC.
Carson Wentz is now a Commander
I guess this is news. I’m not sure I would call it good or bad news. It’s sort of a thing that happened. He is definitely an improvement, in the sense that a hot dog is a step up from raw hog anus. Speaking of hot dogs.
Allen Robinson joins the Rams
So much for the Rams tearing it all down. They added the number one guy at WR in free agency for LESS than Christian Kirk got. The rich get richer. Pairing him with Cooper Cupp and either Robert Woods or OBJ is just an embarrassment of riches.
Tom Brady unretired
He must have seen all that stuff Derek Jeter got on his “World’s Most Insufferable Goodbye Tour” and thought, “I don’t have a surf board or a rocking chair from the Saints. I should get one.” I love that this is basically an after-thought to this list.
My best tweet of the week:
There is nothing I find more annoying than “meaningless motivational ploy” guy. Guess what Karl, when you guys lose in the first round, having used finals basketballs isn’t gonna seem cool, it’s gonna seem embarrassing. Try defense first and work your way up to BS motivational plays that are just beat writer’s wet dreams.
Streaming Recommendation of the Week: John Wick 1-3
It’s rare that I would recommend myself in something, but John Wick 1-3 are just sooooo good. Most of you probably already know this, but this last week I had an epiphany while watching The Hitman’s Bodyguard. THB is fine, but the action sequences are sloppy, terrible, cut to hell, and altogether reductive. It was a reminder of just how incredibly done and shot the sequences in JW are. So fluid, clever, realistic4 and equal parts beautiful and barbaric. If you watched it once before, watch it again. It is like the NYC pizza of action movies. THB was the gas station pizza. Great when I am desperate and don’t care.
NBA dunk of the week: Aaron Gordon “stuffs” it home
Unlike last weeks, which was in live action, this one is in a dunk contest. I feel this is the most difficult dunk ever completed in the dunk contest. I can acknowledge that some felt more incredible in the moment (like MJ from the free throw line), but if we remove the emotion, this dunk feels impossible. Enjoy!
Once more, we play with the reputation of the week’s biggest names.
Von Miller looks like the the guy in your rec league that gets every single rebound offensive or defensive, but would probably score 10 points if you left him alone in a gym with a basketball overnight5.
Davante Adams looks like a black licorice spokesman.
Baker Mayfield looks like he cheats off of the smartest kid in class but ends up with a F because he missed a line and put all the answers one line too low on his scan-tron. He then complains to the teacher, who realizes what has happened, and gives him an F- for cheating.
Allen Robinson looks like the sweet 30 year old teacher that everyone loves, who raps the safety rules at the school wide safety assembly.
Randy Gregory looks like the Predator’s stunt double.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers… unless they aren’t.
Who you got winning Worst Picture at the Razzies this year? @Briangriffiths
Diana the Musical (The Netflix Version), Infinite, Karen, Space Jam: A New Legacy, and The Woman in the Window are our choices, but I really am hoping for Space Jam. There was no real reason to make this movie, and the way they did it had all the vibes of “person who had the internet described to them”. I haven’t seen any of these but I will make a vow RIGHT NOW. Whichever one wins, I will watch it, and post a running diary as a column.
Who will finish ahead of the other next year, Ravens or Steelers, and will my marriage survive it? :-D @mbernadettee
Sorry, it’s the Ravens. The Steelers have nothing at QB at all at this point. The Ravens had extremely bad injury luck, have improved in free agency, and were better to begin with. Enjoy last year’s playoff appearance, it might be the last for a while Steeler fans. The AFC is a nightmare. As for your marriage, you will be fine, just remember what is most important, your shared love of delicious food.
Why havent they raised the rim to 11 feet? @cincyradiohead
I see this question a lot on twitter so I am glad to have been asked this directly. The first answer is, dunks are fun and the league wants more dunks, not less. But the REAL answer is this: It would dramatically throw off shooting. Players spend their entire lives practicing shooting on a 10 foot rim. Moving it even 1 each would completely ruin this lifetime of work and render most players immediately terrible from everywhere. NBA scoring would plummet. Ironically, this would force almost everyone back into trying to dunk, which is what I am assuming you want to eliminate with this move to begin with.
In honor of St. Patrick's Day... Who is the greatest Pat or Patrick in sports history? @cockofthewalk00
Just like last week, you get a quick one from each sport:
NBA: Patrick Ewing. Patrick was a dominant Center in the NBA for a decade and a half. Pretty easy pick here. The NY ties just cement it. Pat Riley is also notable.
NHL: Patrick Kane. It would have been Pat Lafontaine or Patrick Roy, but Kane is going to end up being one of the best to ever lace them up by the time he is done. He’s the master of the half wall6.
MLB: Pat Hentgen. There are a lot of solid but not great Pat’s in MLB history, but I will go with a one time Cy Young winner. Patrick Corbin is in the mix here too… as is Pat Mahomes Sr.
NFL: Speaking of Patrick Mahomes Jr., the son is our NFL winner, easily the best player with that name in the NFL, and he’s just getting started. Credit to Patrick Willis on defense.
If you could have a beer with any NFL player past or present, why would it be Dick Butkus and what would you talk about? @inventive_not
It’s not Dick Butkus, but that is a really good pick. I have mentioned before, I would most love to have a convo with Jim Brown. Syracuse legend, HOFer, incredible human being, and so much more. Honorable mention to Dan Marino, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Bo Jackson.
Do you ever wonder why we're here? @dustfin13
*Warning. I am going to answer this question honestly7. If you just want the fun to continue, you might want to skip this one"*
Yes. I do. My first wife, who was an amazing person, died from cancer several years ago after a horrible stroke that left her severely disabled for 9 months before dying. Our kids were 1 and 3. I believe in God, and I would call myself a Christian, but every day I struggle with the reality of what her death means to me and about God. I have rebuilt my life in the aftermath, remarried to a wonderful, understanding, and VERY patient woman, and helped my kids grow into a happy life, but it doesn’t make the big questions and hurt go away.
Pete Davison Vs Kanye battle royale who wins? @therealfalcsgm
If we are lucky, neither. But I am imagining a whole tournament of Kim Kardashian’s exes that goes on over several days and ends with Pete/Kanye aka “Ill vs. iller”. This will be the saddest fight in history as Pete Davidson finally bleeds out two weeks later from several thousand scratches from Kanye slaps. I am imagining the crowd is made up of Khloe and Kourtney exes who “just wanted to sneak into the limelight”. The NBA is definitely a sponsor of this event, having sponsored all three of their sex lives for a decade. Worst of luck to everyone involved.
WTF are the Cincinnati Reds doing with their roster? @jahcomplex
The fallout of missed games means that teams that are reliant on gate box to make up for lackluster local tv contracts are cutting costs. It drove Derek Jeter out of the Marlins, and it is driving the Ohio teams (like the Reds and Guardians) and other small market groups into an even greater financial disparity than their already was. Until MLB institutes a salary floor, this is going to keep happening in small markets and it is a tremendous shame that is destroying whole fan bases. It has destroyed my interest in the Guardians completely.
Zach and I are back this week for our weekly draft. This week: Pet Peeves
Team 1: Zach Chandler
Pick 1. (2 overall) Person who goes 15 in a 30mph zone with one lane.
Pick 2. (3) Work conferences
Pick 3: (6) People who hold up the gas station line buying lottery tickets
Pick 4: (7) Calling customer service of any kind
Pick 5: (10) People who are constantly late to things
Team 2: Father Keanu
Pick 1. (1) People who drive slow in the left lane
Pick 2. (4) People who don’t wash their hands in the bathroom
Pick 3: (5) People who are not handicapped or certified parking in handicapped spots
Pick 4: (8)Any zoom meeting that should have been an email
Pick 5. (9) Parents whose kids are out of control in restaurants
That’s it! What are your biggest pet peeves? Who’s team is more annoying?
He is not.
and then some
They aren’t even remotely realistic, but the way it is shot makes it FEEL realistic
Hat tip to Sir Charles on this joke
I answer every question honestly, but I usually try to add a fun spin. Not here.