The 10 Least Important People In The Super Bowl
It's very important to pay attention to them.
I am sure that, if you have followed my coverage so far, you are not really interested in “standard” Super Bowl coverage. If, for example, you wanted to know about the history of the Super Bowl, you could wade through waste deep digital files of articles about past Super Bowls that had nothing to do with the uniforms. If you wanted to look back at the funniest commercials or the previews for this year, you had lots of options without reading about ones that don’t exist now and never will. And, if you wanted to make actual money, you would go to someone who is a Vegas sharp, not a student of various whale leathers. So, if you were hoping to find out the most important people in the Super Bowl, this is probably not where you were going anyway. You would go to SI, CBSsports, Bleacher Report, and so on. It’s almost like every site has one. Now that you have clicked on those three links, you are all set. So now let’s look at who doesn’t matter. 3 notes.
I said people in the Super Bowl, not just players
This is more like a not important compared to perception thing. I am aware that Demarcus Robinson is on the COVID list and won’t play. That list is too boring, even for someone like me who enjoys obnoxious nonsense.
Go back and open my links in a separate window so I get credit for you not reading them.
10: Jim Nantz
Jim Nantz is an iconic media broadcaster who has a long, lasting legacy of calling big games. He has called every Final Four since 1991, the Winter Olympics (speaking of being the boring half of a pair), the Super Bowl, and the Masters. He does not need to present proof of his credentials. Bill Raftery called him the “… voice of reason for the American public.” Guess what? Reason is dead. What America wants is bluster and thunder and wild swings in emotion. Why do you think Trump got elected once and got MORE votes the second time? Tony Romo is the broadcaster for America now. His wild emotional swings, bravado fueled predictions at the snap, chain smoker style speaking voice and rambling, concussion-fueled incoherent takes are what America craves (like Brawndo). Jim Nantz is the flag pole that Tony Romo flies on. Even Jim Nantz knows it, which is why there is always a very quiet, seething hostility under the CBS bed sheets that leaks out in the games. Almost every broadcast with these two is uncomfortable at some point or another, and I am willing to bet the Super Bowl will be too. Just stay out of the way Jim.
9:| Clyde Edward-Helaire
The Fresh Prince of Helaire was a hot topic after the draft and headed into this season. As the first round pick of the Chiefs, big things were expected, especially after his primary competition Damian Williams opted out. The season started out a little slowly, and suddenly fantasy owners the world over started to sweat. He had a massive game against Buffalo in the wind and rain to quiet the doubters. Then the Chiefs signed LeVeon Bell, he got hurt, Darrell Williams (different person, same position-tree) took over some reps and suddenly, a player that was an offseason darling vanished. Well, now he’s back! He even touched the ball a few times last week. Unfortunately, he is sharing carries with 2 other players, he is bad at the goal line, the Bucs love to stop the run and the Chiefs will probably throw 45 times at least. If you think he will matter here, after not mattering most of the season, you are mistaken.
8: All the homers in the crowd
We finally got a home team in their own stadium for the Super Bowl. And it couldn’t possibly matter less. Sure, there will be people there, but if you think there will be more people in the crowd from Tampa Bay, than from CBS shows premiering this month you are sorely mistaken. What a waste. How much more fun would this have been if Mahomes had to defeat the Bucs and the crowd like a WWE heel. Instead, he will have to defeat a sparse crowd of internet celebrities, CBS personalities, NFL sponsor reps and whoever bribed the NFL office for tickets. I look forward to them mentioning that the Bucs are at home like 15 times as if it actually matters though.
7: Mike Evans
Mike Evans is super talented. He is fast, tall and has good hands. He is a big-time playmaker. Most of the time. However, sometimes he sort of vanishes. When they play Marshon Lattimore for example. Or in this season’s game against the Chiefs (3-50). Mike Evans feasts on soft coverage and bad cornerbacks like A-Rod used to get 40 meaningless homers a year for the Yankees against pitchers like Bartolo Colon or David Wells (men who looked like my dad). The Chiefs live to take away your best outside wide receivers, knowing you need them if you want to keep score with the Chiefs. Even the super-talented Stephon Diggs was held in check last week by the Chiefs (he ended with 6-77 but most of those didn’t matter). Get ready for the Chris Godwin Deion Branch-game. Tommy loves his slot guys the way you and I love our spouses.
6/5. Tommy Townsend and Bradley Pinion
These are the respective punters for the Chiefs and Bucs. If either of these guys gets significant use, then the coaches should be fired from their respective teams. Let’s get serious about opening things up and letting it rip. 4th and 5 or less should be an automatic go for it in this one, and 4th and 10 or less on the opponent side of the field as well. Field position is meaningless when Tyreek Hill, Mecole Hardman or Mike Evans could get 50 yards on a reverse the next play. If you have the ball, keep it till you get points. The end.
4: Jay Feely
Look at that, the Jets got somebody to the Super Bowl. Jay Feely has the honor of being the 3rd (?!?!?) sideline reporter for this one. Honestly, we so rarely get useful information from the sideline reporters I am not sure why they even exist (and in Tony Siragusa’s case we actually get intellectually negative information that makes us “stupider”). It feels like this is just a place for them to put female analysts so they can pretend to be progressive without having to have the ovaries to let them call an actual game. At any rate, there is a chance we get a morsel of info here, unless your job is to report on the players who I just listed above (Jay handles special-teams issues). If you report on players who won’t be doing anything, you are 1 percent less important than they are.
3: Eric Bieniemy
This is a strange one, because I feel like Eric is doing a lot for the Chiefs, but it must just be my imagination. The NFL continues to insist he is not responsible in any way for the Chiefs offense, or the development of Patrick Mahomes, despite the constant commentary coming from the Chiefs that he is. He holds that play sheet, calls some plays, designs plays, works with Mahomes and has been heavily involved in the personal and professional development of several of the super-talented skill guys in the NFL’s best offense, but it doesn’t matter. The NFL has spoken. If he was important, someone would hire him over, say, the Ravens passing coordinator (not offensive, defensive or running game coordinator, AKA the good parts of the Ravens), or this guy
I’m confused how cannibalism is going to be an effective strategy. I will admit that cannibalism is not typical coach speak. Or this guy…
who proclaims that complex scheming prevents talent from existing. Ay caramba.
2: Roger Goodell
Where did this guy go this year? For years he has been public enemy number one, from Colin Kaepernick (depending on your politics, he is either responsible for letting the players kneel or keeping Kaepernick out of the league), to Ray Rice (hey remember Rog’ trying to pretend that didn’t happen), to deflate-gate (he is too hard and too soft on the Patriots), to player discipline (he is too hard and too soft on the players) and even to flag flying (Too much! Too little!). I haven’t heard a word from this dude all year, unless you count the draft from his weirdly sanitized basement. Somehow he squeezed this season out despite all the obstacles, so I feel like I should credit him? That doesn’t sound right. Let’s just say he has nothing to do with any of it, including this.
1: Rob Gronkowski
Oh, Rob will probably matter during the game, I bet he gets some catches and maybe even a touchdown. But saying he matters in the Super Bowl, is like saying Tom Brady matters at the coin toss. That is not why Gronk is here. He is here for the main event. The post-game party life! Rob is going to leave the stadium in uniform, head straight for Miami and hit the night life for the next month regardless of the outcome. He is the Tom Brady of the post-game in a way most players can only dream of. “Oh,” you say, “But what if they lose?” You think that matters to the king? Do you think Tom will care if he loses the coin toss? No. The Super Bowl is Rob Gronkowski’s equivalent of drinking 3 Bud Lights at home before heading to the actual party.