What's in a name?
Draft the 2021 NFL rookies... by name only.
Drafting good football players is hard. Just ask Bill Belichick, one of the greatest football minds of my lifetime, who struggles to find just 1 good wide receiver. This year, the challenge is even more steep. Many players didn’t play this last college season, others were injured, or opted out. More played a limited slate. Even those who played a full season often come with question marks, just from the limited scope of their competition. So the usual task of grading players has never been more blurry and confusing. So let’s just skip it. Let’s just draft players based on the one thing we know for sure. Their name. Let’s give all the teams a shot at this, in order by their draft position. I will limit it to like the first 50 or so best prospects.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Trey Lance
His name connotes multiple weapons. A legitimate triple threat. What could possibly be better than that? Nothing in this draft.
New York Jets: Justin Fields
Being named after where the game is played is always a good idea. Look at Margaret Court, one of the greatest Tennis players of all time. Please don’t ask for more examples of this.
San Francisco 49ers: Alex Leatherwood
This guy is a hipster’s wet dream. Leather and wood!?! It’s so earthy. You need a guy who is gonna put his hand in the dirt? How about someone literally made of cowhide and trees.
Atlanta Falcons: Andre Cisco
This guy is named after two of the biggest musicians of the late 90’s and early 2000’s (admittedly with wildly different quality levels). Anybody who can groove like this is gonna be good.
Cincinnati Bengals: Rashawn Slater
Maybe it’s years of Saved By the Bell talking, but I feel like this guy would be really, really good at sports. And have a lot of integrity.
Miami Dolphins: Jaycee Horn
Another player with a weapon in the name, this guy is gonna be the tip of the spear as you take on your enemies, although I must admit J.C. would be better for some reason.
Detroit Lions: Patrick Surtain II
This guy just sounds like a football player. I am sure he isn’t related to the Patrick Surtain I used to watch, because that would make me old as shit.
Carolina Panthers: Asante Samuel Jr.
This guy just sounds like a football player. I am sure he isn’t related to the Asante Samuel I used to watch, because that would make me old as shit.
Denver Broncos: Carlos Basham Jr.
God help me if I watched a Carlos Basham at some point. I sure hope not. His name implies bashing others, a key element of football, so this one seems pretty strong.
Dallas Cowboys: Mac Jones
This guy brings his lunch pail to work every day from 9-5. Clock in, clock out. I also feel like he is trucker, trying to win back his son through arm wrestling. Plus Jerry keeps hiring people with the last name Jones for his football team, so there must be some connection.
New York Giants: Creed Humphrey
This guy sounds like he lives his life by an unbreakable code. One day, he will meet a young woman who is in trouble, and he will have to break all of his rules to save her life, and by doing so, she will save his.
Philadelphia Eagles: Ja’Marr Chase
This guy just sounds fast. But not too fast, because he is always chasing. You can only be so fast if you are always trailing somebody. Unless they got a head start I guess? Anyway, this is as high as he can go.
Los Angeles Chargers: Kwity Paye
He will make you PAY. This one just writes itself. Also, he was named after his grandfather who died in the Liberian Civil War. He himself was a refugee. I would suggest maybe not pushing this guy.
Minnesota Vikings: Christian Darrisaw
His name has saw in it, so we have another weapon here. Although the Christian takes a little of the edge off. Still, the Christians led the Crusades and lots of other wars, so we know they aren’t soft when it comes to fighting.
New England Patriots: Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah
This name just has a real nice ring to it. It sounds extremely important, like a king. For some reason, I feel like Jeremiah decides who to excise grain tax from.
Arizona Cardinals: Jamin Davis
He sounds like the first guy into a battle, like we jammed him in there. This guy has to be a run stuffer (and he actually is in real life). He is perfect.
Los Angeles Raiders: Penei Sewell
Every time I see a Samoan name, I just think of how bad ass all of the other Samoan guys in the NFL are. The Rock is Samoan. You want guys with Samoan names, because they are Samoan.
Washington Football Team: Joe Tryon
I checked, no top prospects named Dan or Snyder. That means, they will have to go with a name that pops. Joe Tryon just pops. Sounds punchy and fast. As opposed to “Football Team”.
Chicago Bears: Zach Wilson
The Bears are so desperate to take anyone that sounds like a quarterback. Zach Wilson sounds like the guy who plays QB for Mountain Valley High in the big game on Disney+ series about a high school football team.
Indianapolis Colts: Trevor Lawrence
Trevor Lawrence is the quarterback for Palm Springs High, Mountain Valley’s richer arch nemesis. Trevor has some rude and disrespectful things to say about Zach when they meet at the local party before the game. Palm Springs will get out to a huge lead… but watch out for a second half comeback after Zach gets a talking to from the ghost of his dead father.
Tennessee Titans: Micah Parsons
Micah just sounds important. After all, the parson is a powerful person in the religious world, so Micah sounds like he is going to end up being the one calling the shots when all is said and done.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Kyle Pitts
Another good name that is quick and punchy. This one sort of reminds me of pit viper or something else cool like that. The Kyle part softens things a bit, but I still like this name.
Cleveland Browns: Azeez Ojulari
This one is just fun to say. Say it 5 times nice and slow. It has a great ring to it. We missed out on something great here though, his grandfather’s name is Twins Seven Seven.
Baltimore Ravens: Zaven Collins
Zaven the Raven? This has a real Conan The Barbarian vibe to it. This is one of those perfect fit picks, where a team has the perfect player fall to them who fits only their system, like every single 3-4 defensive end in the 90’s fell to the Steelers.
New Orleans Saints: Christian Barmore
Another late round perfect fit. I know you thought I might be in trouble when I handed out Christian Darrisaw, but nope. There were plenty of Christians in this draft, and the Saints knock this pick out of the park with one of their own.
Green Bay Packers: Caleb Farley
We are starting to stretch the envelope here, but I am giving Wisconsin another man with the last name Farley, just like a certain Farley who graduated from Marquette. Chris Farley. We may never replace the legend, but this is a start.
Buffalo Bills: Javonte Williams
This is the closest I can get to a person named Bill. Sorry. If it would have been the Buffalo Christians , we probably could have figured something out.
Kansas City Chiefs: Tyson Campbell
Not sure what to do with this guy, but there is definitely some sort of Chicken Soup for Soul thing going on here.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Trevon Moehrig
Not a lot of good pirate names available, so we go with the guy with rig in his last name. Sadly, thanks to the election, everyone has forgotten that rigging can be a good thing.
Seattle Seahawks: Jaylen Mayfield
He’s got field in his last name, so this is sort of the Justin Fields corollary. Look, there are only like two left, so we are pushing this thing to the max.
Los Angeles Rams: Ifeatu Melifonwu
His name means “consoled heart”. At this point these are basically consolation picks, so this works.
Houston Texans: Jaylen Waddle
Only the Texans would be stupid enough to take someone who waddles to be their wide receiver.